a rant

Quite often I get to hear I'm impatient. That I rush things and make decisions too hasty. I've heard it for years - I dare say I'll get to hear it for years to come too.

The last couple of years I've really thought about this. Always thought a thing through that extra once to make sure I make the right decision, always waited for people around me to feel grounded in what I'm about to do. Still, I get o hear I'm impatient.

Quite frankly it is starting to annoy me. Because I find people really slow. I quite often think twice as fast as people around me. However it would never occur to me to say "you're so slow". No, that would be considered rude, wouldn't it?!  So why is it ok to tell me the opposite?

I always think twice. Always. Sometimes I even think three or four times before opening my mouth or making that decision. I analyze the chain reactions my decisions will come to have. I try and predict how people will react if I say or do something. Is that impatient behaviour? If so, what more can I do? And honestly - what gives people the right to expect me to change to fit their personalities better? Why should I? Wouldn't that be the same as saying their personality and their behaviour is better than mine? It bugs me. It really does.

alarming alarm

Went into work on Saturday to do the last bits of preparation for the grand opening of our new unit, which was due to open the following Monday.

I will admit - I was hangover as hell. I did a few bits of paperwork, drank loads of diet Coke and listened to Cat Stevens as I mopped the floors and pottered about. It took me a good 5 hours until the place was spotless and in shape of opening its doors two days later.

I was knackered but satisfied. Took my bag and turned the lights off in my office. As I'd done so and put my foot out in the hallway the alarm went off. And boy was it loud!

I fumbled my way into a room full of digital gadgets and located the screaming alarm's base. Read the instructions without understanding bugger all, and eventually found a phone number to the Security-firm.

The girl on the other end of the phone couldn't find my unit on her computer. She asked me if I was allowed to be in the unit at all. Eventually she promised to look it all up and give me a call back. And so I sat down in the ear numbing noise and wondered how long I'd be waiting.

After what felt like an eternity (but in reality only was about 45 minuter) two Securitas men turned up, turned the alarm off and asked me for ID. Then they asked me if I didn't have the code for the alarm. I told them no. They asked me if I had an electric key for the door. I said yes. And did I have a code for it? Yes indeed.

The men looked at eachother and smiled as they told me all I'd had to do was to use the key and code to shut the damn alarm off.

... Oh well. I guess I know til next time...

I don't like it!

I'm in a situation where my working life collides with my private life. And I do not like it. Not one little bit.

I am a firm believer of keeping private life and work life apart. Mixing the two would be like asking for problems. That has been my motto and my work ethics, which I have stuck to since god knows when.

So, for years and years I have gone to work, done my job, and gone home. Sure, I have told co-workers about my personal life. But nothing private personal. And sure I have told private friends about work - but nothing private regarding work. I believe in respecting privacy as well as promices of secrecy.

And now the two worlds of mine have been mixed up. All due to people who cares about me, I'm sure. People who perhaps are scared to ask me directly, or perhaps don't have the same look upon keeping work and private life apart. However, whatever the reason, I feel completely violated and betrayed.

Am I being silly for wanting the two parts of my life not to be entangled? Am I being paranoid? I don't know. I just wish people spoke more with me rather than about me. It would make life less complicated.

to be blonde

I stood in front of the mirror this morning, trying to turn my gloomy, sun deprived skin into a healthy looking one. A bit of foundation, a bit of blusher and quite a bit of concealer. It always work wonders.

How would people react if I went into work without make up? Probably wonder if I was ill. However, if I met someone for the first time they'd most likely think nothing of it. Perhaps even think I looked more "businesslike" than I would with a made up face?

As I was brushing on the bronzing blusher this morning I started to think about this. About appearance vs. opinions and preconceptions of people...

... Once I was at an interview for a post graduate archaeological position in the Netherlands. The professor asked me if I would be "willing to dig, considering I had polished fingernails?". I explained that I wouldn't care for polished nails whilst digging, obviously.

... And once I was up north for my friend's wedding where I was to be the maid of honour. Myself and a few of the other guests whom I didn't know spent the night before the wedding at a mutual friend's house. It turned out I had forgotten to bring my make up remover and asked the others if anyone could lend me some. "For an archaeologist you seem to be unusually keen on skin care" one of the guests replied. I then explained that I was to attend the wedding as the maid of honour and not as an archaeologist. Obviously.

It pisses me off. It really pisses me off when people think they can judge my level of knowledge by the colour of my fingernails. Or when my intelligence is reduced to the colour of my hair.

It so happens that I really enjoy make up, fashion and changing my hair style. But I also enjoy working, studying, reading and using my brains. Why is it people seem to have an aversion of that particular combination? I don't get it.

the man

Whilst working in a hospital in Australia I got to know an old man who was on a ward which the nurses used to call The Last Stop Saloon. It was one of those wards where people came in but never left. Not alive anyway.

The man had diabetes. His one leg was amputated, he had pneumonia and god knows what else. The doctors' had given him a couple of months to live.

My job was to check his vitals and blood sugar several times a day. Of course this was something I had to do on several patients throughout the day, but funnily enough I can't remember any of the other patients. But I do remember him. He was from London originally. A real character. Charming and stubborn, outspoken and sometimes a pain in the bum quite frankly.

I used to wheel him outside so he could have a cigarette, or just sit with him whenever I had a chance. Listen to his stories of his life whilst making sure the head nurse wouldn't catch him eating sweets and grapes - something that really buggered his blood sugars up. I knew it wasn't good for him. Of course I did, after all I was the one checking his bloods after his binges on sweet grapes, chocolates and bon bons.

Yet I couldn't see the point of not letting him eat all that sugar. He was dying after all. A sweet or two wasn't exactly going to change that fact.

One day he said the thing he missed the most was a beer. And so the following day I brought him a stubby, wheeled him out at the back of the hospital where noone could see us and gave him the beer and a fag. And how he loved it!

I remember thinking that's how it should be. Even in hospitals. Even when people are sick or dying. And quite frankly I think it was the best day's work I've ever done.

goodely good

I have been good. Oh yes I have! Despite eating a large piece of cake tonight, I feel very proud of myself.

• I finally got the new shelves up in the hallway (with loads of help from my friend). It's looking good.

• I have made a big pot of spicy vegetables and bulgur for tomorrow's dinner.

• I have written 2 new chapters on my essay which is due in in two weeks time. Yeah!

wonderful vibes

One of my friends is moving to Exeter in a couple of weeks time. She was accepted at Exeter University quite a while back, and was lucky enough to be offered a place to stay with a distant relative of hers.

I spoke to my friend today, only to find out that something had happened with the relative's private situation, and my friend was no longer welcome to stay.

So there she was, my poor friend. 2 weeks away from moving to another country and enrolling a post graduate course pretty much straight on arrival - and nowhere to live! I told her I would ask around if any of my UK friends had any contacts in Exeter.

I emailed a bunch of good friends, and 27 minutes after my email I had a reply from my beloved friend Lynda. It read:

Hi Hun, Well would you believe it- i'm in Exeter right now with work! Isn't fate an amazing thing?!
Kelly who i'm here with now has given me a number for her boyfriends parents-who own a B&B, how weird life can be:). So maybe your friend can stay there first.
Kelly has now called her fella too and he said if you can pass on your friends e-mail details he's pretty sure they can find some accomodation and get in touch?
I hope that helps lovey:) xxxxxx

I instantly phoned my soon-to-be-homeless-friend and told her the news. And as soon as I put the phone down lovely Lynda contacted me again saying that Kelly's bloke had probably found a place for my friend to stay at.

I am blessed with having the most amazing friends in all corners of the world. I really am. It is truely wonderful and today it really hit me how lucky I am.

night work

I'm working night shifts this week. I love it in one sence, hate it in another.

It's quiet. I get loads of stuff done at work that I never get to do otherwise. I have time to read through important documents that I've forgotten about.

But I sleep all day. Literally. Not 8 hours. No no. I pass out when I get home and have to force myself up again when the next night shift starts. So my life stands on hold whilst I sort my working life out.

There's a reason why I only do this one week a year. It's enough time to sort out work cupboards and files, enough time not to mess my social life up too much.

Cats think I'm crazy. Don't understand when I'm coming or going, or if it's time to play or sleep. But they cuddle up to me for a while until they get too fed up, then run off to bring me toys. It's OK.

Now I'm off to work. Fruit, biscuits and music in my backpack. See ya!

midsummer's eve

Today is Midsummer's eve!

Midsummer is a big bank holiday in Sweden. Tradition has it we're supposed to dance around the pole, sing songs and eat loads of pickled herring, chives in sour cream and new potatoes. Preferably with boiled eggs.

However, the weather is usually crap, and this year was no exeption.

I was working all day, and we managed to do some garlands of flowers (very traditional!) and eat some herring, eggs and all that jazz. Well, I didn't, because I don't like it, but staff and patients did.

The rest of the day was spent in the office, writing stuff, drinking coffee and making sure all is up to date.

Once back home I hoovered the flat, gave my flowers a good rinse down in the bath and finished my essay that was due in today.

Not a very exciting day, but there you go.

someone give me a break

Today was an eventful day to say the least.

Got up at 6 am. Went into the city for a seminar day for the leadership course I'm attending. This finished at 4 pm.

Between 4-5.30 pm I sat making phonecalls for work, then started walking towards other end of the city.

6 pm I met my colleagues for a combined meeting/meal in a lovely restaurant. (I had a huuuuge steak witch didn't agree with my stomach but was well worth it!). It was a productive meeting but I was so tired my eyes were aching.

9 pm I returned home. Cuddled the cats for a few minutes whilst trying to pack up my bed settees cushions etc.

9.30 pm a buyer came and collected the bed settee. (yippie! Got rid of my old settee after just two days out on e-Bay!)

10 pm I finally got to come home properly, cuddle the cats and then Tylor decided to throw up. Not once but twice. So I gave him water in his special, favourite bowl. He drank it all and threw up the water too. I paniced. Phoned their previous owner Anna at 11 pm (after checking on FB that she was still up).

She really calmed me down. Told me to monitor and wait for a while. And even though I knew it was the right thing to do (and I know why he was throwing up too, but still! Poor baby!) it was soooo nice to hear her say it.

Now it is 1 am. I've been up for 19 hours and am knackeed. But Tylor has been running around playing for a while, and then lying in my lap purring and dribbling for half an hour so I feel calm.

In this very moment he's gone to eat. I will stay up for another hour to see that he doesn't throw up again.

Thank god I'm off tomorrow. I might just sleep all day and only venture outdoors for a massage in the afternoon.

the manager meeting

Yesterday I had a friend around for a late lunch. When she left my stomach started to hurt more than usual. By 8 pm I was in agony.

This morning it was even worse. I couldn't stand up straight. I went to the doctor, and sent a text message to my colleagues saying I wouldn't make it to the manager meeting we had planned this morning.

When I left the doctor's (with pain killers and stomach pills of some sort) I checked my mobile phone. There was a reply from one of my colleagues saying another manager was on her way to pick me up.

And as I looked up, there she was. She gave me a big hug and said "right, we're taking you to the Emergency unit. This has been going on for too long and we're all worried about you."

I burst into tears. How wonderful they all are!!! I explained I'd been given medicine and that I would give it a try before rushing off to the A&E. My colleague said OK and drove us off to our conference room.

There they had made warm, lovely soup for me.

I am truely blessed with being surrounded by wonderful, caring people.

ooops

I was having a bath before going to work today.

I turned the taps on and then my phone rang. And when I'd finished talking I remembered the running bath...

It was literally full to the brim!

One more minute on the phone and I would've had a very wet bathroom floor.

I'm off!

Tomorrow morning I'm heading off to China. Finally. It's been a long wait as I booked the trip in September and originally due to go in November. But the trip got cancelled and since then I've been waiting...

... For tomorrow.

I'll be away for 2 weeks and hopefully I'll be back with a lot of memories, lots of photos and a suitcase full of shopping. :-)

Imagine seeing this?! Feeling this?! Walking on this?! Oh, I really can't wait! Au revoir!

tools for life

Today I have been given tools for life. Honestly.

I attended a course about Participation. Or, more precisely, how to get your staff more involved in work, and how to give them chances to participate in all sides of our job.

I have to say it was one of the better courses I've been to. Not because I haven't before heard how to (because I have been to plenty of those courses), but because today I really understood why and in how different levels of participation can be used as a tool of cooperation just as much as the opposite.

And somewhere during the day I drifted off, thinking about these tools for making people participating... They can be used everywhere. Not just in workplaces or getting civilians interested in politics etc etc... No, these are tools that could come in handy everywhere:

getting on with one's family (which I do anyway, but just an example)
dealing with a tricky salesman
in relationships with one's partner or friends

The list could be made endless. And I went home after todays course with a feeling of having found the holy grail. And in an instant I felt like I've got more to give at work yet again.

Amazing what a little lectures and seminars can do.

today's jobs

Today I have:

• attended a meeting
• cleaned the kitchen (including behind the cooker and under the fridge!)
• cleared the blocked pipe in the kitchen
• hoovered and dusted livingroom and bedroom
• bleached the bathroom
• showered all my plants
• played with the cats
• done grocery shopping
• sorted my wardrobe out

Now I will

• eat a pizza and watch a movie
• nothing else

think, act

You might have noticed I do not blog daily at the moment. The reason for this is that some serious shit is going down at work.

I can't talk about it due to confidentiality (God knows I could really do with getting it all off my chest), but it is draining and I feel completely consumed about the whole thing.

So, until I've sorted the mess out I will leave you with this video instead:

credo

I believe in seeing people. Acknowledging people. Listen to their story.

Not only do I believe this gives everybody a fair chance. I also think an open mind is the best way of learning new things, seeing new sides to oneself and find more sides to the truth.

On the other hand certain people have a lot of stories to tell. Needs to be seen all the time. Needs constant acknowledgement.

These people I struggle with. They tend to smother everything and everyone around them.

Therefore I will not be the kind of boss who let certain people smother and suffocate other peoples stories. God damn it.

I refuse.

I don’t care how much energy these certain people will suck out of me. I will continue to see everybody, listen to everybody and make sure everybody feels acknowledged.

So there.

busy bee

What a week this has been! And it's not even over yet!

Yesterday I had to go into work a few hours earlier than planned. The reason for this was due to my colleague being signed off sick. She had an important meeting with her staff grop booked in, and so I stepped in to cover for her.

After that meeting I rushed off to my own staff meeting. As usual things got a little heated and I had to calm one member of staff down after the palaver.

I had time to run off and put the coffee on whilst scuffing a banana before heading off to the next meeting:

At three o'clock I had an appointment with the head of medical delegations. She came to check I do my job properly, know the laws and regulations of handling medications, inspect the bookkeeping over given meds etc etc. It was nervvrecking.

The meeting took three hours! And she must have asked me 50 questions. Considering I had been working from 7 am and only had a banana and humongous amounts of coffee in my stomach it wasn't surprising I felt tired and shaky. It was a relief when she finally decided to end the meeting.

I got home, feeling a bit guilty that the cats had been on their own for so long. As a special treat I'd bought them a tin of cat food - expensive rabbit flavoured stuff in jelly. I've never bough my cats anything like it before...

... The cats got wild with excitement when I opened the tin and the aroma spread around the flat. I gave them a bowl each.

Tylor sniffed it. Sniffed it again and walked off. Disguisted.
Kif - who eats everything - sniffed it. Dipped his tounge in the jelly. Then he looked at me before walking off. So much for that treat!

Today we've seen more of eachother, but tomorrow they will be home alone again. I won't waste my money on another tin tomorrow night, but insted will treat them to a long lie in on Friday. I'm sure we will all enjoy it!

enough!

I have had enough.

Enough dishes.

Enough laundry.

Enough bickering at work.

Enough snow and cold weather.

Enough must-dos.

Enough illness.

Enough ironing.

I am in desperate need of a surprise.

A hug.

A holiday.

Sunshine.

Funloving BBQs on the beach.

I have just had enough right now.

what a start to the weekend

I have had the most wonderful week at work.

It's been hard work and busy busy busy, but productive, lots of great results and last but not least FUN!

I have worked long hours and sorted out some real hick ups, interviewed new members of staff and attended meetings with curators, doctors, nurses and organized staff training days. You get my drift I'm sure?

And today I sat at home and worked all day. Sorted out my departments finances, wrote some memos and made about a thousand phonecalls. Then, about 3 pm I walked up to work, made some photocopies, printed out my memos and checked all the different money boxes for staff and patients. Then I had a meeting with a curator at 6 pm before heading down to the pharmacy.

... And then my dad phoned. Asked how I was doing. I said I was great.

"Are you going home already?" my dad asked.
I said I was on my way to the pharmacy (for work - no private errands of course!), but then I was going home.
"I have had the bestest week at work" I continued. " I really love my job!".
"Don't go and ruin it then" he said sharply.

I asked him why he'd say such a thing. Did he think I was? He said no and told me he just didn't want me to "fuck it up".

I said people usually say things for a reason and hence I would very much like to know what his reason for saying that was.

He got angry. Said it was meant as good advice. I hung up.

I had to go for a walk for over an hour to calm down. What a great way to start the weekend... How is it he always manages to insult me soooooo much?