mum 1976
A week before Christmas 1995 my mother passed away. It is 13 years ago but in many ways it feels a lifetime away. Of course I miss her - I miss her alot - but the thing I miss is what I could've had with her, if you know what I mean?
If she was still alive I dare say my life would've looked a lot different to what it does. My mother was such an encouraging person: she pushed me to try all those things I dreamed of doing, and when I was on the verge of chicken out she always gave me the courage to take the last step out into the unknown. And for that I am forever grateful.
My father, on the other hand, is the complete opposite. He is scared of everything I do, wants to do or dream of doing. He is negative to change in general and has more than once made me hesitate doing things I known deep down would've been right for me.
Sometimes, when I'm having a hard time or feel a bit down I dream about my mother at night. Usually it's heartbreaking dreams of finding my mum by the kitchen table, me screaming out "but they told me you were dead!" and she saying "well I am but I thought I'd stop by and say hello..." and we hug and her smell is so vivid it's for real.
A week before Christmas 1995 my mother passed away. It is 13 years ago but in many ways it feels a lifetime away. Of course I miss her - I miss her alot - but the thing I miss is what I could've had with her, if you know what I mean?
If she was still alive I dare say my life would've looked a lot different to what it does. My mother was such an encouraging person: she pushed me to try all those things I dreamed of doing, and when I was on the verge of chicken out she always gave me the courage to take the last step out into the unknown. And for that I am forever grateful.
My father, on the other hand, is the complete opposite. He is scared of everything I do, wants to do or dream of doing. He is negative to change in general and has more than once made me hesitate doing things I known deep down would've been right for me.
Sometimes, when I'm having a hard time or feel a bit down I dream about my mother at night. Usually it's heartbreaking dreams of finding my mum by the kitchen table, me screaming out "but they told me you were dead!" and she saying "well I am but I thought I'd stop by and say hello..." and we hug and her smell is so vivid it's for real.
And in a weird way I'm grateful for those dreams - or shall I say grateful for her stopping by every now and again. I need to remind myself of her strengh and positive spirit, her way of living and all those inpiring sides to life I sometimes forget.
I wish I had asked her more things. I wish she'd gotten the chance to see me as an adult, meet the loves of my life (yes there have been a couple actually) and tell me about what her pregnancies were all about. I wish she'd pushed me to get a grip and go to Africa when I chickened out. I wish she'd been around so that I could've had a shoulder to cry on and a best friend to share secrets with.
But most of all I wish she keeps popping by. Because the only thing that scares me is that I'll forget what she was really like.
