Last Sunday I took my blanket and newspaper and strolled off down to the park. The sun was shining, the park empty apart from a whole bunch of fluffy baby magpies. The idyll was complete.
I flopped onto the blanket, got my paper out and started reading.
When I got to the economy supplement I heard a big splash, and this big puddle of bird wee spread all over the paper. Well, I've never been a big fan of that supplement, but was none the less a bit surprised. I looked up. As I did so another bird dropped his bomb. Only this time it was a number two. And this time it did not hit my paper. It hit my head.
I cannot describe the feeling of getting attacked with a huge bird poo in the head. It was heavy. It was very loose. It smelt like shit and by cry it was plenty of it.
It dribbled down my forehead and all over my hair. Some got on my shoulder. I didn't have a tissue, but used a dry corner of the economy supplement to wipe some of it off before it reached my eyes.
I have to admit my first thought after the wiping was something along the lines of "did anyone see this?". After reassuring myself no humans were present I said some well chosen words to the little fluffy fuckers who were happily tweeting away around me.
Today I had a meeting with a man who was carrying a gun. I have never seen a man carrying a gun before (at least not during day time in a states owned office!), so of course I had to ask
what on earth he thought he was doing walking around with it. "I am employed by the states to cull birds in the city centre" he told me.
I replied "Good on you. Those bastards shit EVERYWHERE!"
